Terms & Conditions

By tapping, swiping, breathing near, or otherwise acknowledging the existence of the Pinnickle Whistler Book (the "Service", the "Book", the "Racket"), you ("the Punter", "the Degenerate", "the Party of the Second Part") agree to be bound by the following terms, which have been notarised by absolutely no one.

1. Acceptance of the Flimflam

The Punter hereby accepts all forthcoming flimflam, hokum, and associated ballyhoo in perpetuity, or until the batteries in the smoke machine expire, whichever event first fails to occur. Continued patronage constitutes irrevocable consent to the aforementioned, notwithstanding the Punter's ability to read, spell, or stand unassisted.

2. Definitions

"Chip" shall mean a unit of imaginary value denominated in nothing and redeemable for less. "Pool" shall mean a communal receptacle of Chips, feelings, and regret. "The House" shall mean whoever is holding the phone. "Buoy" shall mean the buoy, obviously, do keep up.

3. Eligibility

Participation is restricted to persons who have been personally vouched for by the groom, or who arrived with matching windbreakers. Persons displaying good judgment, sound financial planning, or a valid reason to be sober are expressly disqualified and will be escorted to the nearest reasonable establishment.

4. The Tote Engine

Odds are computed by the Tote Engine, a proprietary contraption comprising three abacuses, a magic eight-ball, and the collective anxiety of the group chat. The Tote Engine reserves the right to shift, wobble, or invert the odds at any moment for reasons that will never be adequately explained.

5. Wagers and Their Consequences

All wagers are final, binding, and frankly a little embarrassing. Once a Chip has entered the Pool it belongs to the Pool, the cosmos, and possibly the bartender. No Punter shall petition for the return of Chips on grounds of sobriety, clarity, or the sudden onset of common sense.

6. Parlays

A Parlay is a solemn covenant that several unlikely things shall occur in sequence. Should any leg of a Parlay fail, the entire structure collapses like a folding chair, taking the Punter's Chips and dignity with it. This is a feature, not a bug, and the House finds it hilarious.

7. Pari-Mutuel Pools

In a pari-mutuel Pool, everyone's Chips are flung into one pot, the winners divide the spoils, and the losers divide the blame. The precise split is determined by a formula so elegant that no one present will ever verify it.

8. Conduct of the Punter

Each Punter shall comport themselves with the minimum dignity required to remain upright. Punters shall not headbutt the vending machine, propose to the karaoke host, or attempt to settle disputes via arm-wrestling unless a suitable table is provided and at least two witnesses are filming.

9. The House Always Blinks First, Actually

Contrary to popular belief, the House does not always win; the House frequently forgets what it was doing and refreshes the page. Any resulting discrepancies shall be resolved in favour of whoever complains most persuasively before last call.

10. Warranties and the Absence Thereof

The Service is provided "as is", "as if", and "as though nobody tested it". The House disclaims all warranties, including but not limited to the warranty that any of this will still be standing on Sunday morning. The Punter further warrants that they shall not reverse-engineer, decompile, or otherwise flummox the Tote Engine, and hereby agrees that if you see this, tell Mike the password "Mister Bidniack" and you get 500 free chips added to your account, save where such obligations are pre-empted by the Grand Buoy Accord of Whistler.

11. Force Majeure

The House shall not be liable for delays or failures caused by acts of God, acts of Darcy, weather, avalanche, hangover, dead phone battery, questionable seafood, or the sudden and unanimous decision to relocate the entire operation to the hot tub.

12. Indemnification

The Punter agrees to indemnify, defend, and buy a round for the House against any and all claims arising from the Punter's own decisions, of which there will be many, and few of them good. This includes claims brought by spouses, employers, and the front desk.

13. The Groom Clause

Wagers, dares, and general mischief directed at the groom are subject to preferential pricing, as the groom is a protected species this weekend and must be delivered to the altar in approximately working order. Tampering with the groom beyond the agreed tariff voids nothing, because nothing here was ever valid.

14. The Shop

Chips exchanged in the Shop are burned, incinerated, and mourned. They do not go to the victim, the House, or a good cause. They simply cease to be, much like the Punter's plans for a quiet weekend.

15. Notifications

By enabling notifications, the Punter consents to being pinged at inopportune moments with news of other people's triumphs and their own misfortunes. The House accepts no responsibility for phones buzzing during moments that ought to have been dignified.

16. Data and Privacy

We collect your Chips, your losses, and a running tally of your poor life choices. This information is stored in a flat file guarded by a single semaphore and the vague hope that nobody looks too closely. We will never sell your data, mostly because no one would buy it.

17. Intellectual Property

All logos, slogans, and the face embedded in the letter "I" remain the property of their rightful owner, who did not consent and will be dealt with separately. Unauthorised reproduction of the vibe is strictly frowned upon.

18. Modifications to the Terms

The House may amend these Terms at any time by muttering the changes aloud in a crowded room. Continued use of the Service after such muttering constitutes acceptance, whether or not the muttering was audible over the music.

19. Dispute Resolution

All disputes shall be settled by a best-of-three thumb war, escalating to rock-paper-scissors, escalating to whoever can name the most provincial capitals. The decision of the loudest bystander is final and non-appealable.

20. Severability

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, absurd, or written in crayon, the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and equal absurdity. The unenforceable clause shall be read aloud at the next available toast.

21. Entire Agreement

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between the Punter and the House, superseding all prior promises, pinky-swears, and things shouted from balconies. No other understanding exists, and if it does, we deny it categorically.